it always happens. Tickets coming in like crazy, dupes fluttering on the pass. The kitchen slaving away in a small space barely enough for four, let a lone a chef's table. The oven is buzzing, the idiot by the fryer is staring at the already golden crusted fish turn into shoe polish brown. Then a loner walks into the restaurant wanting, of all that is holy in the carnivorous world, a well done Prime Rib eye steak. I stare at the ticket. Prime Rib eye with grilled vegetables and mash. Ribe Eye. Well done.
'Oi' I call to the fryer idiot. 'Prime Rib eye! To be nuked!' Like time delay lock at the local bank, he springs into action.
From the refrigerated drawer, pulls out a perfectly marbled piece of meat, chilled. No blood drippings. Slice open the vacuum packaging. Then with the grace of a well lubricated Russian ballerina doing the pirouette, tosses the meat, marbling and all, into the 360F fryer. Then finishes it off on the grill. I turn around and do the fixins. I can hear you. You go WHAAAAT???
Let me tell you why I did not go into a rage. Why I did not dunk him and the guest into the fryer and be done with it. Why I hummed to the tune of 'Complicated' and just went my merry way clearing out the dupes.Why I did not ask the more able cooks to nuke the steak.
Have you ever had a steak well done? Referred to by Buddy Holly as 'Burnt to a crisp' in Pulp Fiction, it's pink on the inside, charred on the outside, and people with dentures will make their dentist richer by daring to take a bite. Like every well done steak I have ever had.
It's animal cruelty to order steak this way, an attack on the leisurely life the host cow had. It takes a long time to cook steak until its juices run clear, if any juice runs at all. And 90% of the time, the idiot guest would claim that it's rubbery, tough, bitter, 'Where did you get the steak? Where did you learn to cook?' tirade spewing from his maw.
It does not take great skill to make a well done steak. Hell, it does not take any skill at all. Pan fry, bake roast, and deep fry until it's cooked through. All the way through. Don't need to be Heston Blumenthal to figure that out.
Why do people order for a well done steak? I can think of many reasons:
Blood is disgusting
If they wanted raw food, they would go to a sushi bar
He wants to be man about it
Does not want to get sick
Recently got off vegetarianism
Got kicked by a cow as a child
Hated the Matrix
McNuggets was not on the menu
Know-it-all
Didn't know any better
Let me tell you what a well done steak is good for:
As an effective door stop
A charcoal brick
A deadly weapon
Table leveller
Torture device
Time waster for the swab who does not know his way around the kitchen
Goes great with really cheap watery wine
For the ugly girlfriend or boyfriend
For the cruel wife or husband
Can go with the much passed around fruit cake during Christmas
Paperweight
Hockey puck
Premeditated indigestion
That is why I gave the order to the fry boy. Because the dishwasher is busy with the soiled plates. Because it occupies valuable burner space on a six top. Because guest dissatisfaction is not done deliberately on my watch. Because the guest does not know any better.
